While driving back from yesterday's hiking trip, Gaurav and I were talking about various topics relating to marriage, starting with the idea that he's feeling ready to get married. I don't know how many times I've heard the theory that almost all disagreements between married couples have to do with either money or sex. It occurs to me that this is looking at the symptom, not the cause. The cause is uncertainty. Thinking about money, for example, couples that know from the outset what they are each allowed to do with money, what requires approval of their partner, and what's out of the question are probably going to have better marriages.
I've discussed undocumented expectations in this blog before, which is another way to describe uncertainty. What problems do you have in your life that you've thought were caused by a particular factor, but are in fact caused by uncertainty? What could you do to establish certainty and perhaps finally fix the problem?
4 comments:
While I agree that money and sex are often fighting topics in many marriages, I can't go along with the idea that certainty is always preferred over uncertainty. I would not want to know, for certain, the date of my death or that of others close to me. I would not want to know, without question, whether or not the next project I undertake will succeed or fail. I like to think that the choices I make fro day to day will affect the outcome of what I am doing. After all, hope is a form of uncertainty, and so is free will.
Absolutely. Some things are better left unknown. That's what keeps it exciting. But I still think that most of the things we find unpleasantly stressful in life are those where we are uncertain when we'd really rather be certain.
Yes, if certainty is desired, then getting desire in line with circumstances is not only useful, but really cool. Congruence with expectations seems optimum. (Hmmm. Why did I hesitate there? Why is that not obvious?)
In my mind, it is unvoiced expectations that cause the most havoc in marriages, or in any close relationship. That probably covers both sex and money as well as many other areas of interaction, so I think it is a generalization of your original premise.
The second biggest cause of stress in relationships seems to be lying to oneself. When she says, "No, I'm not angry," through gritted teeth, in a voice that wilts flowers, she is lying to me. I understand that part, but she is often lying to herself, which I do not. I can do something about the anger and the expression of it only if she admits that it exists. As long as she denies she is angry, there is little I can do either to correct the cause or to relieve the stress.
I'll forego examples as an act of self-preservation.
I'd mentioned "undocumented expectations" before, thinking generally about business relationships. I think "unvoiced expectations" is a better word for it when the situation is one of personal relationships. While documenting things is commonplace and acceptable in business, in our personal lives we balk at writing. It seems somehow too formal, even when that personal relationship is one of the most important things in our lives.
There's a book in this subject.
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