I had a distressing email exchange today, although it ended up working out okay. My skip level manager (meaning my manager's manager for those that don't understand Microspeak) returned this week from sabbatical and saw an email from me I'd sent around a month ago. The last paragraph told him I'd be happy to talk about the contents of the email in 2008 or so and that I hope he had a great sabbatical.
He was horribly offended. He assumed this was sarcasm and disrespectful. Thank goodness he told me how offended he was, though, as I was able to explain to him that, no, really, I really did hope he had a great sabbatical and I had only said 2008 because I was imagining the amount of email and higher priority tasks he must have after being out of the office for over two months. More fortunately, he did end up apologizing for taking it so wrong and retracted his sense of having taken offense.
I guess he's one of those guys I'll just never be able to communicate with smoothly, especially if I try to communicate with any attempt to be personable. He's consistently taken things I've said the wrong way. He's not alone, either. Other people I've dealt with here and elsewhere take things all the wrong way. I'm usually taken completely by surprise at the twists and turns that must have been imagined to get to the offensive interpretation.
Coincidentally, when I'd been frustrated with this particular guy in the past, I had talked to one of our HR people that I really respect and asked her how I should deal with the ongoing gulf in my interpersonal communication with him. She suggested that with him (and really anyone) I should think about things he said or did and ask myself if I thought his intentions were good or malicious. Since I don't think he's malicious, that has helped, and not just with him. It was good advice. But for some people, it often just doesn't help. Ack!
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1 comment:
It's genetic. Sorry about that.
I have observed some things which might provide clues for coping with the problem. Maybe they will help. I'm interested in knowing if they do.
Your communication, like mine, often leaves out pieces that we think are obvious. We leap over intermediate steps, like the recognition that he (the manager) will be very busy for a while after the sabbatical and that 2008 might be about the right time for a truly non-urgent communication. Others take that as sarcasm when it is intended as humor or play.
Many people don't understand play. They also don't understand how making a joke out of, say, surgery can lighten the real stress of going through it. They get all caught up in the seriousness of everything, misunderstand the intent, and away things go.
I first noticed as a teenager that many people simply don't believe direct compliments or good wishes, like "I hope you enjoyed your sabbatical." They forever look for hidden meanings in everything, probably because hardly anyone simply says "you look nice today" without some suspicion of gender harassment.
This doesn't mean these are bad people. It seems to mean that they communicate in ways that we don't understand and vice versa.
theElder
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